He spent half the night trying to convince me I'm beautiful.
I don't think I'll ever believe him.
I love him, really. He's sweet, a really good guy. He knows me better than my best friends. He has this sixth sense when it comes to predicting my moods, and acts accordingly. He's always trying to make me happy, always trying to make me feel better. Always is there for me. He knows about the cutting, or at least that I've done it. Thinks I've stopped for good.
He doesn't know about ana. And I'm not going to tell him, ever. How could I? It's been bubbling under the surface of my skin for a year, all the angst and self-loathing building up until I began the cycle of starving, binging, purging.
He would hate me. Or at least lose all respect for me. How can he love someone who hates themselves? How can he hold someone who can't keep themselves in one piece?
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I suck at fasting. I was great until 6th period, when my friend brought out two bags of Cheez-Its. She knew I hadn't eaten all day. I wasn't strong enough to resist. And by the time I got home, I was broken.
1 bag of White Cheddar Cheez-Its: 210
1 green Apple-70
1 yogurt with granola-190
Today's Total: 470
Ugh. It makes me wanna barf. Disgusting. Fucking disgusting.
My weight hasn't increased, but it hasn't dropped either. It's hovering, doing circles around leftover un-binged Thanksgiving leftovers. Puke. Puke. Puke. Puke. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me.
I'm such a pathetic waste of space. I don't deserve him.
i don't think you are pathetic. I hope you can find some peace! You deserve love like all of us do.
ReplyDeleteI have nominated you for the liebster blog award <3
ReplyDeleteI had similar situation. I've eaten even less. I didn't care that I don't have strenht at all. I felt like I'd be dragged or something. My tennis coach notice that something is wrong, he was seriously worried. Itold him I'll get threw it. And I really did he wasmy motivation. After several months he admitted he admire what I've done. So I think that you can get rid of ana for THIS boy. When I was anorectic I couldn't find boyfriend. Now it's better and finally few boys found me attractive. I believe you can do it :)
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ReplyDeleteI am here for you
hello? is anyone there? I feel like I've entered a abandoned place.
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